betrayed by family

I really thought the depression and anxiety I was suffering was getting better. Until my husband and i decided to adopt my pregnant 17 year old sisters baby.  Within a few hours of talking to her about adopting the baby she had talked to an aunt of ours, who knew we wanted to adopt this baby, and made the decision that our aunt Nissa would be adopting this baby. Now I can understand that she has the right to change her mind on giving us the baby, although I do feel like I have a few knifes left in my back from this whole situation. I dont think any one understands what I am going through or what they have done to me and my family. I have tried to talk to my mother time and time again to no avail. My mother is the one who told my aunt that my husband and I only wanted to adopt this child to do the family a favor, which we believe would be a very irresponsible thing to do in my husband and my minds. my mother keeps saying that no one knew that a decision was made. Although no one asked us if we had decided before just assuming that we had decided to adopt a child that we really wanted.  I really kind of feel like I am not respected as an adult or a parent even more so now then before. I confronted my mom today to ask her today if she even realizes that she hurt me very deeply by telling my aunt that we didn't really want this child other than to do my family a favor, my aunt didn't even care enough to check the facts. Today I told my sister that she couldn't talk to my mother on my phone. She responded by sending me a text message saying that: " what the fuck? I haven't done any thing to you. Stop acting like a twat." I really don't know how to respond that other than just walk away from it. When I do walk away from situations like that were there are no good ways to handle I am told that I am childish and I am trying really hard to be adult about a really hard situation. I was never really taught how to really act as an adult and I am now 23 years old and a mother of a two year old and I have one on the way and still trying to figure out on my own how to be an adult. My 24 year old husband is my best example of how to be an adult that i am around on a daily basis. My mother, sometimes, I believe acts more childish than I do. with her having a 17 year old pregnant daughter at home she can't really afford to be a child and I can't deal with her being childish still learning how to be an adult. When my mother starts to act childish it gets me very up set and puts me back in that mode were I just want to scream and act like a 12 year old and I don't like acting like that.

thearpy missed

I missed my therapy session this week and I thought I was doing fine, until the end of this week came along. It seems like everything anyone or anything does gets on my nerves so bad. My son, Madison, my husband all of them just seem to aggravate me over the stupidest stuff. Stevie wanted me to get him dressed this morning I told him no because the clothes he wanted were dirty and he insisted over and over again that he was going to wear them til he almost got stuck in the shirt. I am working today and I really just need a couple days off, I have been working through having bronchitis and getting very pregnant. Stephen was going to run errands   with me today or so I thought, until I mentioned something about walmart and he was like um I didn't say anything about going to walmart I am only going to the grocery. Walmart is were we get our 40 lb bag of dog food from and being about 30 weeks pregnant it is getting a little hard to dead lift that and put into a buggie then into a car with two kids in tow. I don't even think he realizes that is is hard on me, very hard on me to have to start to depend on him for the smallest things like this. I am not even sure if he cares. I really enjoy doing things with him but lately he just flat out tells me he doesn't want to do anything with me, he says its not because of me it just he doesn't want to do that but I am really starting to think it is me not what were doing. I am still pretty sick, although I have been putting on a good face for every one so they think I am getting better. I just want to curl up on the sofa with a blanket and so really hot soup and not move for days, but unfortunately  I am an adult and my name isn't Sarah so I don't get to "play" adult and get everything I want. I wish I could be one of those people who do what ever and get the way with every thing and not have to worry about where it comes from or at who's expense. I am sure I do plenty of things that I shouldn't like last night we had outback take out because I didn't want to cook but it is Stephen's extra check and I am sure we should be saving that money that we are going to use to get a new P.C. today but I think we both work very hard and deserve some good things. I also want to make sure that I am keeping him happy, I don;t know what I would do without him! I don't know maybe I am just being a drama queen like every one says I am but damn I feel like shit today.

Friday Morning

I had a meeting with my therapist yesterday afternoon, she suggested that I start to journal. I mentioned to her that I blog sometimes, apparently I should do it more often. So I am going to try this more. Today is Friday morning  and my husbands payday; I have A LOT to do today. I am so tired I didn't get enough sleep and I am a bit overwhelmed by everything that I have to do today. I have to do all my normal stuff plus I have to buy some stuff for the new baby which I am kinda excited about. This is the fist time that I am actually kinda excited about getting stuff for her, it is also the first time I am getting to actually buy stuff for her. Today I am just getting little things like cotton balls, maybe a nursing cover, might get some nipple cream for breast feeding, nothing big or expensive but at least it is a step in the right direction. I actually got to spend sometime with my mother yesterday and it was nice we ate some sonic and then we went to target, she keep looking at something for sarah's baby which really pissed me off but i dealt with it. although when she said something about how cute it was all I could think was well it should be right up sarah's alley and said it. Oh well I guess they can fuck that kid up too nothing I can do about it. oh well guess its time to start the mayhem

How the day ended up

I ended up getting a call from a friend who wanted me to go out with her to do stuff with the kids!! We went to the park and let all the kids run and play and totally wear themselves out!! It was so nice to come home to have naps all around, til my son woke up 10 minutes into his nap!! I hate that he is starting to give up naps just as the new baby is going to be here soon. I am sure the new baby will keep him up at some point though to make him tired enough to take a nap!! After the park we all had lunch together nothing better than 6.00 dollar pizza buffet were all of our kids eat free!! After lunch we went our separate ways though everyone  needed there nap time. Later last night my husband OFFERED to BBQ and we had Danielle and her husband and son over. It was such a nice time. I have found that surrounding myself with people I actually want to be around and want to be around me it makes the depression 200% better. I am going out and about with Danielle again today to do a baby registry. If it weren't for Daniella I would have a registry full of blue and green stuff that looked to boy-ish  for a girl, she is so into the girl stuff I think that boy stuff is so much more cute than pink and frills. Although she does get me excited about most of the stuff!! I am so glad i have finally found someone who I can shop and spend time with and it isn't my mother and doesn't mind actually being with me!!

Let me introduce myself.

 I am a stay-at-home mother; I have a wonderful two year old little boy, and I am expecting a little girl on Aug 28,2011. My name is Kayla Newitt; and I am suffering through depression. I am currently 27 weeks along. I can't take any depression medication due to the pregnancy. I have recently started therapy, I have only been to one session, although it seems to have helped a lot. I don't have much of a support system to rely on right now other than my wonderful, amazing and couldn't ask for better husband. My younger sister, who is also expecting about 4 weeks behind me and 17, has my mother and everyone else for that matter wrapped around her finger so tightly that she has received no punishment for her action at all. Might I also mention the father of the child is also unknown due to the number of partners, some of who are over 18; oh and when the child was conceived more likely than not she was only 16 when the all of this happened. I am treated and made to feel like, weather intentional or not,  a bad mother, a bad person, and a bad wife. I have recently started imposing very, very  strict rules when it comes to being allowed to be with my son and my self. My sister is no longer under any circumstances allowed to be around my son and I prefer not to be around her either. My mother has been made aware of and now knows that I am my son's mother and my rules go. This has not gone over so well and this is one of the biggest sources of depression. I no longer have a baby sitter, or anyone who can understand my point of view on anything, not that my mom did much before. because my sister has everyone so wrapped it is almost looked at as a good thing that she is pregnant and my mother is encouraging my 17 year old sister who is still in high school and can't pass the ninth grade to keep and try and raise a child. I am very, very, very opposed to this idea and no one else in my family seems to understand that this is a very bad idea.